AXIOM!

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars


Venan Strike Back


Part 6


On Cloud City, Darth Circus and the Bounty Hungers lead Hans Dingo and the rest of his prisoners down a corridor to a large chamber with lots of machinery. Cheryl tags along, cleaning lint off Darth Circus’ uniform with a little lint roller brush thing. They stop before a control panel in front of a small platform. Two storm troopers motion for Hans Dingo to step onto the platform…

Hans Dingo: What the bloody heck is all this then? It feels like we’ve been marching down this corridor for weeks! Why, I’m about to throw a wobbly if someone doesn’t explain what’s going on! And what’s that smell…is that…fresh vegemite?!
Darth Circus: Oh yes it’s fresh, I just had Cheryl whip it up. She’s such a talent!

Cheryl blushes a deeper red then before. Pau and Treybacca look at each other and giggle.

Darth Circus: Ok, well let’s get a move on! Get the disposable test subject frozen already!
Hans Dingo: Oi?! What do you mean “disposable?”
Darth Circus: Oh…well this is awkward but…I really want to freeze Smokes Nutwanker. However, I want to make sure this contraption works correctly first so…we are testing it out on you!
Princess Pau: You heartless monster! You truly are an evil being devoid of compassion!
Cheryl: Watch it sister! Don’t go flirting with my man! I mean…my boss…um…

Cheryl blushes yet an even deeper red then before and tries to hide in the corner.

Darth Circus: Huh…that was odd. Ok whatever, let’s go Hans! Time make a Dingocicle! Guys! Activate the chamber! Lower him into the Vegemite!

Glenda Fett and Jango Vilt activate the machine and Hans Dingo begins to be lowered into the Vegemite vapors below! The frozen clouds of the Australian treat swirl around poor Hans dramatically as he slowly descends on the platform.

Princess Pau: Hans…wait…there’s something I want to tell you!
Hans Dingo: Oh geez what is it? I’m kinda busy now!
Princess Pau: I…I…would like to change our Spacebook status to…in a relationship…
Hans Dingo: Sweet Waltzing Matilda! I knew you would come around! Well, your timing could have been better but whatever!
Treybacca: I’m so happy for you two! Well, and incredibly sad and all what with the freezing of my buddy but well…it’s a lot of mixed emotions. Gee, I’m gonna have a lot to talk to Dr. Rothstein about! I can’t seem to get a call back from her now but when I do, boy! She’s gonna be one busy relationship therapist!

Princess Pau rushes forward and kisses Hans Dingo. Music swells from somewhere and everyone stares. Cheryl looks at the couple and starts to tear up a bit, she glances at Darth Circus and then at the floor. Glenda Fett and Jango Vilt grab the Princess and tear her away! Hans Dingo looks up as his head sinks beneath the vegemite vapors…

Hans Dingo: Take care of her Treybacca! She’s very precious to me, don’t let anything happen to her!
Treybacca: Don’t worry, the Princess will be by my side!
Hans Dingo: I meant the Centennial Kiwi but yes please watch the Princess too! She’s a fine Sheila!
Treybacca: I thought her name was Pau?
Hans Dingo: Oh geez you hairy…

Hans Dingo’s head disappears beneath the swirling mist. The machines beep and light up, and the clouds disappear. A giant brown rectangular block appears as the mist clears. The outline of Hans Dingo can be seen under the surface! The rogue smuggler has been frozen in vegemite!

Glenda Fett: Ok…this beeping shows it was successful! The subject is alive, preserved in a state of hibernation. He will stay nice and fresh!
Jango Vilt: He wasn’t that fresh before, I don’t think he ever washes his leather jacket!
Glenda Fett: Well, he’ll stay as he was before he was frozen. Now let’s get this Dingo Ice Pop to Shaklee the Hutt. Then you and I have a cruise to go on! Bounty Hunters rule! Later Circus, it’s been a blast! Feel free to call us with any other jobs!
Darth Circus: Thanks guys, always a pleasure!
Jango Vilt: Oh, if you have time could you review us on Yelp? We really would appreciate a five star rating!
Darth Circus: Not a problem! You earned it guys!

Darth Circus presses one of the many buttons on his suit and opens up the Yelp review app. “These two bounty hunters sure came through and totally iced a recurring problem of mine. I would definitely hire them again. If you ever need to pay money to ruthlessly hunt down someone, give them a call! They even sing!"

Darth Circus: Done and done! Enjoy your cruise guys! Ok, Princess and Treybacca, let’s get you guys to a nice cell and I’m gonna go check out the Cloudy City Food court. I hear they have a Java the Hutt and I have a coupon. They are supposed to have some really good frozen juices. I’m really in the mood for a frozen treat now, I wonder why?
Princess Pau: You heartless son of a…
Darth Circus: Oh yes, because I just froze your man! Honestly I’m so spacey sometimes, my blood sugar must be low! Later Haters! Let’s go Cheryl, I’ll buy you lunch. My treat!
Cheryl: Oh Lord Circus…thank you, you’re so sweet!

Darth Circus and a very happy Cheryl leave to head over to the Cloud City Food court while some Venan Stormtroopers escort Princess Pau and Treybacca out of the freezing chamber towards the prisoner cells. Meanwhile, back on Dagobra, a slightly handsome young Jedi is feeling something…

Smokes: Hans…Pau…what…what is this I’m feeling!
YoDanae: What is it Smokes, you look paler then usual!
YodAleza: You really shouldn’t have eaten all that Nutella for lunch, it’s supposed to be a treat! Remember all that talk about moderation!
Smokes: My…friends…they are in trouble! On…Cloud City! Hans…it’s like he’s sleeping or something I feel a coldness, and a disgusting smell…like a brewer’s yeast…I…I have to go save them!
YoDanae: Oh…bad idea Smokes you are totally not ready yet!
YodAleza: Yeah, you are improving and all but you still can’t stand up to your Dad…I mean Darth Circus. Yes ol’ Bad Darth Circus is what I said. Nothing strange at all about that!
Smokes: But…I have to save them, if I don’t, they are all going to die, I can feel it!
YoDanae: Smokes, I understand your feelings but you really need more training. If you try to face Circus now…well…you will lose! You need to stay alive so you can save the galaxy from the Empire! You are the only Jedi warrior around! Well, Jedi in training.
Smokes: I’m sorry ladies…but they are my friends. We went through a whole movie together, I just can’t let them suffer. Thank you for all you’ve done. I’ll come back to finish my training AFTER I’ve rescued them!

The two Jedi Masters sigh and look at each other. They hug Smokes, accepting the fact that he will not stay.

YoDanae: Do what you must Smokes. Stay strong, and remember what you have learned here. The Dark Side can be very seductive, just like Patrick Swayze…
YodAleza: Oh…speaking of…I think it’s time for another “dancing lesson!”
YoDanae! Race you!

The two Jedi Masters run off, each trying to trip the other to get to their Bed and Breakfast first! Smokes sighs, and heads to his spaceship. The two droids beep grumpily as Smokes takes off.

Red2D2: Finally, we are leaving this swampy mess of a planet! About time! Where to Nutty?
Grem2D2: As long as it’s nice and safe, who cares!
Smokes: I am off to Cloud City to rescue my friends from the Venan Empire, and battle Darth Circus!
Red2D2: Son of a…

The two droids unleash a series of profane beeps the likes of which Smokes has never heard before. He sighs again and turns on the space stereo to drown them out. Next stop…Cloud City!



Darth Circus is sitting in the Cloud City food court enjoying a healthy frozen juice smoothie that he got at a significant discount with his coupon. Suddenly, he looks up in shock!

Cheryl: My lord! What is it?!
Darth Circus: I think I got brain freeze, maybe I drank this too fast…no wait…I feel…He’s coming!
Cheryl: Who?!
Darth Circus: My…my son! He’s on his way! Oh sweet sassy molassy he’s coming! We haven’t seen each other since he was an infant…so many emotions!
Cheryl: I…didn’t know you had a son, my Lord…I suppose this means you have a wife as well…
Darth Circus: Nah, I’m single and ready to mingle my dear! His mother is out of the picture. I’m gonna be a single Dad!
Cheryl: Oh…well then…you’re going to be reuniting with your son?
Darth Circus: Yes…The Emperor would like him to join the Empire. I could use your help Cheryl, I know it’s going to be a lot of paperwork and all and I just don’t have the patience for all that.
Cheryl: Oh, I’d be so glad to help! Yes, we would need to start with form 1044 A, “Long lost child of senior Empire member reunion form” and “Jedi to Sith allegiance switch request.” Oh I’d be happy to get started. You know Lord Circus…it might also help for the boy to have a mother figure in his life…it can be hard to raise a son alone…
Darth Circus: Yeah, you have a point there but where am I going to find a smart lady who doesn’t mind all the hassles of Empire life, not to mention all my issues?
Cheryl: Well…if I may Lord Circus…I could fill out form 1420 B…
Darth Circus: What is that form for?
Cheryl: Permission to engage in a romantic relationship with a superior officer…
Darth Circus: Cheryl! Are you saying…you want to…?!
Cheryl: Yes! Yes my grumpy nut! I can’t hide it any longer! I want you in my life! You leave me breathless…without force choking me!
Darth Circus: Cheryl…I had no idea! Well, you do get me…and your cooking is delicious and low carb…what the heck, why not?! We can be a couple and raise my son, ushering in a new era of Sith power!
Cheryl: Oh Lord Circus! I’m so happy! My sweet grumpy nut!
Darth Circus: Let’s finish up our food and then head over to get my son! Oh…I’m going to have a family again! An evil, powerful family!
Cheryl: Oh…now you’ll have to change your Sith health plan to a family plan…oh I can’t wait to fill out those forms!!

Darth Circus and Cheryl kiss passionately in the Cloud City Food court. A janitor droid sweeps the floor around them as people wait on line at Java the Hutt. A pimply faced teenager working the counter stares at them. Nearby, at the “Sunglasses Hutt,” a discount brand name sunglasses stand, a solitary figure stares with great anger at the happy new couple…

Sara Starkiller: No…I will not allow this…My Lord cannot afford to be distracted now…He must remain focused and pure to the Dark side…I must save him from himself…
Sunglasses Hutt Manager: Um listen, are you gonna buy anything? Or are you just going to stare at the food court? I mean I’m trying to make a living here….gahh…gahh…Cough….garwhhhhh.

The Sunglasses Hutt manager falls to the floor, knocking over several trays of brand named, amazingly priced sunglasses. He has been thoroughly and expertly choked. Sara Starkiller slowly bends down and finds a really nice pair of pink mirrored sunglasses. She slowly and very coolly puts them on and looks back over to the food court.

Sara Starkiller: Oh…I think your stand will do quite well. I mean…people are just…dying to get your wares…

Sara looks around to see if anyone heard her clever line. No one seems to have noticed, the pimply faced teenager continues to help customers. She sighs and walks away, stopping by one of the food court stalls to get a Cloud City funnel cake. She slowly and very evilly eats it as she plots her next move…


Meanwhile, Smokes Nutwanker has just entered the perimeter of Cloud City. He pilots his Starfighter to one of the upper landing pads and lands his ship. He pauses a bit, searching with his mind. He feels…something calling to him…and he slowly begins walking down to the lower levels of Cloud City. Smokes readies himself for the confrontation he knows is coming. Darth Circus…the man who killed his father awaits!!! With determination, Smokes eats a couple hazelnuts to make sure his blood sugar will be fine.


Down on the lower levels, Princess Pau, Treybacca and the disassembled parts of LokePO are in a jail cell. Treybacca has been spending the time trying to put the droid back together. He finally snaps the head on and LokePO lights up!

LokePO: Oh heavens! The Empire! What are they doing here! Oh, this must be a trap! I must warn the others!
Princess Pau: Just as helpful as ever…Geez
Treybacca: Yeah, we already got that part, thanks.
LokePO: Oh, oh my! I see! Well...I did get a reply from Dr. Rothstein. She says she is currently away on a case for an important client but as soon as she is back she can see you and Mr. Dingo.
Treybacca: Tell her no rush…I don’t think Hans will be available for couples therapy anytime soon.
LokePO: Oh...Oh dear…Where is Mr. Dingo anyway? Oh…I do believe I detect the odor of vegemite vapors in the air…oh…oh my!
Princess Pau: Can you take his head off again?

Just then there is a commotion at the cell door. Lando Caierissen and some of her troops open the door and enter! Treybacca lunges and grabs Lando by her throat and begins choking her!

Lando: Treybacca…gaw…wait…I’m sorry…I’m trying to…free you!
Princess Pau: Hold on Trey, stop for a minute! Please! That’s not right!

Treybacca reluctantly lets Lando down. Princess Pau smiles and begins choking her!

LokePO: Oh dear! Oh my heavens even!
Princess Pau: Men shouldn’t choke women! Let me handle this! You traitorous bi..
Lando: Stop! I’m here to free you! Gah…Darth Circus got here before you I didn’t have a choice! Please, let me help you escape!
Princess Pau: What about Hans?! Where did they take him?
Lando: I’m sorry, he’s off world by now. The Bounty Hunters took him to the Hutt homeworld. There’s quite a bounty on his head. Please, we have to get out of here! I’ll take you to the Kiwi!
Treybacca: Princess…Lando is right, we have to leave now. We will get Hans back, I promise.
Princess Pau: Hans didn’t even have a chance to confirm our relationship status on Spacebook…the Empire shall pay for this! Let’s go guys! Let’s go get my man back!


As Princess Pau, Lando Caierissen head to the Centennial Kiwi to make their escape, the young and slightly handsome Smokes Nutwanker is making his way through the lower areas of Cloud City. He enters a large room with lots of equipment. He slowly walks among the maze of machinery and vapors spewing out of the many pipes and vents. The smell of vegemite is in the air...Smokes stops and turns as he feels…


Darth Circus: We meet at last…young Jedi. I feel you have grown stronger. We have much to discuss, you and I.
Smokes: Darth Circus! I came here to rescue my friends! You shall regret it greatly if any harm has come to them!
Darth Circus: I try to live my life without regrets, I feel it’s heathier that way. At least that’s what my therapist says. She’s wonderful, I’ll really have to introduce you to her.
Smokes: I’m gonna introduce you to me, a very angry Jedi!
Darth Circus: Eh…you see that’s something I can help you with. Jedis were never really good at battle banter. How about, something like “You’re about to be introduced to a world of pain and despair.” Or “The only introduction here will be my lightsaber…to your face!”
Smokes: Oh…that is better!
Darth Circus: Yeah, the dark side has a lot of perks. Clever wordplay is just one of them. Well, you will see for yourself, once you join us.
Smokes: Join…the Dark Side?! Why would you…I would never! I came here to avenge my father and rescue my friends!
Darth Circus: Yeah…we have A LOT to talk about young Jedi…
Smokes: No! No talking! We settle this now!


The two warriors finally face each other. It appears certain a massive battle will take place shortly, the outcome of which will determine the fate of the galaxy!!! Smokes Nutwanker bravely reaches into his pocket and eats a few more hazelnuts. His slightly handsome face is full of determination! He takes out his lightsaber and it blazes to life! Darth Circus does the same. Their cool buzzing sounds echo across the cavernous lower floors of Cloud City. An epic showdown between good and evil is about to begin!




End of Part 6

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

Guild Wars


Venan Strikes Back



Part 7

Princess Pau, Lando Caierissen, Treybacca and LokePO make their way down the Cloud City corridors. After a few close run ins and fights with some Venan Stormtroopers, they make it to the Centennial Kiwi. Treybacca fires up the engines and after dodging some plasma fire from some of the Empire’s soldiers, they take off!

Princess Pau: Punch it! We gotta get outta here!
Treybacca: Roaaaaar! Where will we go? Oh Hans…I miss you already. I was so looking forward to spending hours working out our issues in couples therapy.
LokePO: If I might suggest a destination, perhaps the home world of Shaklee the Hutt?
Princess Pau: Get the ship ready to leave the planet! It’s time to…
Princess Pau and Treybacca: Get my man back!

Meanwhile, on the lower levels of Cloud City, a fierce battle is about to take place. Darth Circus and the young Smokes Nutwanker face each other warily. Smokes is nervous, yet determined. Darth Circus seems to be giddy with excitement. He takes a few steps towards Smokes, who gets ready to fight!

Darth Circus: Nice grip, good stance! You’re legs are a little far apart but not bad!
Smokes: This is not a joke Circus, I’m here to stop you!
Darth Circus: Oh Smokes, look at you. So full of determination. Ah youth! I remember when I was young…sigh…
Smokes: I’m here to save my friends! I won’t let the Empire take over the galaxy! The rebels will stop you!
Darth Circus: The rebels...there aren’t that many of you left, my young Jedi. Actually…the only Jedi.
Smokes: Yes, I am the only Jedi, for now. I will be the first of many to come! I am going to bring the Jedi back! Let me show you just what I’ve learned!

Smokes begins his attack! With a fancy flourish he brandishes his lightsaber with confidence. Darth Circus steps closer, and attacks as well! The two lightsabers collide, with all sorts of cool sounds! Whoooosh! Whoooooom! Woooowowwwwowww! The battle is intense, both start to use the force as well and all sorts of debris and metal pieces from the machinery around them are floating around and littering the floor. Sparks fly from broken computer panels and mist hovers in the air. After a few minutes of intense lightsaber dueling, silence descends as the two opponents stare at each other.

Darth Circus: Ahh…I see JP Wan has taught you well, young Jedi.
Smokes: Actually, he died pretty early on. You killed him. I’ve gotten some other teachers. A lot better, to be honest. Even their dance teacher showed me some moves!
Darth Circus: Sigh, you’re just wasting your time. You have the potential to be truly great! I can sense you have much of the same ability as your father.
Smokes: Don’t talk about my father! You have no right! I’m going to show you just how strong I’ve become!

Smokes closes his eyes and focuses. Darth Circus feels the force gathering within the young Nutwanker. He is slightly impressed with the power he feels building within the former hazelnut farmer. Smokes smiles and opens his eyes. Music comes out of the air and Smokes begins to sing a song that by an amazing coincidence happens to sound exactly like “Sexy Back” by the very talented Justin Timberlake.

I’m bringing Jedis back.
The Empire don’t know how to act.
All they do is attack,
And I won’t cut them any slack.

Darth Circus man,
You think you Sith Lords have got a plan.
But I’m gonna make you understand,
There’s more then choking people with your hands.

I’m gonna stay on course.
(Nutwanker go now)
gonna use the force.
(Nutwanker go now)
I’ll do all I can do
Save Hans Dingo too.

I’m bringing Jedis back.
Darth Circus you don’t know how to act.
You’re whole deal is just a big joke
And I’m gonna make YOU choke.

You make people sad.
(Nutwanker go now)
You killed my Dad.
(Nutwanker go now)
Your whole deal is bad.

The air seems to shimmer with the force and Darth Circus is mildly surprised. He doesn’t seem nervous however…he seems almost…proud? Smokes finishes his song and stands there, calm, and with a slight smile on his slightly handsome face.

Darth Circus: Well done, young Nutwanker. I have to say that wasn’t bad. You have potential in you, that’s certain. However, when it comes to the force, you’ve only just learned to walk. I’ve been running marathons…and winning them! Let me show you real strength. Let me show you the power of the Dark Side!

Darth Circus smiles and raises his hand. The force starts to gather within him. Smokes can feel the power…it’s incredible! His smile starts to fade as he senses the darkness gathering. Some of the debris from their battle that had been lying on the floor starts to move. It begins to rise in the air and gathers together, compressing into a shiny sphere. It sparkles in the air and begins to rotate around slowly. Light sparkles off of it, casting strange patterns all over the room. Music seems to come out of nowhere and Darth Circus begins to sing a song that by an amazing coincidence sounds exactly like “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees.


Well you can tell by the way I use the force,
When it comes to strength I’m hung like a horse.
You got some skills there, my young Smoke,
But you’re the one that’s gonna choke.
And you will see, you’ll learn today,
How to me this is all play.
To be blunt, you’re not that smart,
And I’ve had years to perfect the art,
Of using Sith power to make people cower,
And killing Jedis, killing Jedis!
We’re the Empire and we’ll never tire,
Of killing Jedis, killing Jedis!
Ah ah ah ah killing Jedis, killing Jedis!
Ah ah ah ah killing Jediiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!

Well you can tell by the way your friend is ice,
I’m a real tough dude, I ain’t too nice.
With the new Dev Star I’ll extend my reach,
You have a lot to learn, I have a lot to teach.
And you will see, you’ll learn what’s true.
You’ll join with me, that’s what you’ll do!
The rebels will get crushed real soon,
We have a weapon, big as a moon.
And soon at long last we will use its blast,
For killing Jedis, killing Jedis!
Ah ah ah ah killing Jedis, killing Jedis!
Ah ah ah ah killing Jediiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!


Smokes feels the raw power emanating from Darth Circus and realizes what his Jedi Masters were trying to warn him of. He is no match for the Sith Lord standing before him! Not only is Circus’ strength greater, his song is much better and has a great beat! Smokes looks down to see his foot tapping along! Darth Circus finishes his song and stands there quietly. He doesn’t seem that tired at all, in fact…he seems energized! Smokes is getting quite nervous now, how will he ever defeat Darth Circus and avenge his father?!

Darth Circus: Now THAT is the power of the Dark Side. Catchy isn’t it? I notice you couldn’t help but move along to the beat. You know deep inside this is the way for you. Join me, young Nutwanker.
Smokes: Never! You’ve killed so many people…so much suffering. I am going to avenge my father!!!
Darth Circus: Smokes, JP Wan never told you about your father, did he?
Smokes: He told me enough, he told me you killed him!
Darth Circus: Smokes…I didn’t kill your father. I AM your father!
Smokes: No…no! That can’t be true! That’s impossible!
Darth Circus: Search your feelings…you know it to be true!
Smokes: No, I won’t believe it! You can’t be my father!
Darth Circus: Ah geez…I thought you might have trouble with this. Fine, this will convince you!

Darth Circus presses yet another one of the many buttons on his outfit and the room starts to shift around. Panels start to peel away from the walls, and a stage lifts out of the floor with several comfy chairs with guests sitting in them. A studio audience rises up from below and lighting descends from above.

Smokes: What…what the heck?!
Darth Circus: I thought you might have some trouble taking this news so I’m gonna prove it to you!
Smoke: Who are all these people…what is going on?!

Maury Povich walks down the aisle from somewhere. He grabs a microphone and begins to talk.

Maury: All of us want to know our place in the universe, where we come from, and where we are going. Our guests today are here to find out where they came from, or rather…who they came from. It’s another paternity test Friday!

The studio audience begins to hoot and holler. All sorts of aliens and droids are dancing in their seats and making quite a fuss.

Smokes: What in the name of hazelnuts is…
Darth Circus: Just relax my boy, this is gonna be a lot of fun! This is one of the most popular shows in the galaxy!

Darth Circus walks over to a chair on the stage and sits down next to a very happy looking young lady. He motions for Smokes to do the same. Smokes shrugs and walks over to the chair. He has no idea what is going on…as usual. The show starts, and a large blobby alien gets up. She is waving her tentacles around and seems angry.

Audience member: Yeah, I got something to say to the Nutcracker guy!
Maury: Nutwanker.
Audience member: Whatever! You got to RESPECT your Dads! He brought you into the world and he can take you out! That’s your Pops man!
Smokes: Uh…who are you? You don’t really understand the situation here you see…
Audience member: You don’t know me! Don’t you get all up in my face tentacle!
Maury: So anyway let’s get started. Our first guest is here because a former girlfriend of his is claiming he fathered a child with her and won’t take responsibility! She says he’s being a big old…CHICKEN about the whole deal! Please welcome…Foghorn Leghorn!

The audience boos as a giant rooster walks out onto the stage. He struggles to get into his chair with all his tail feathers.

Foghorn: Hush, I say Hush! Let a man sit down! No manners, I say no manners with the youth of today!
Maury: Now, Mr. Leghorn, this woman says you got her pregnant and you promised to be there with her. However, as soon as her egg hatched, you left? What’s going on?
Foghorn: Listen here sonny, I say that girls got a mouth like a cannon, always shooting it off! Please sonny, you think I would hook up with a lady with a body like that? Gal reminds me of a highway between Forth Worth and Dallas – no curves! She remi – I say, she reminds me of Paul Revere’s ride, a little light in the belfry!

The audience hoots and hollers. Smokes sits in the chair with his mouth open. The female chicken that Foghorn is insulting is sitting there very upset.

Maury: Really, so you are saying that she is lying?
Foghorn: Maury, why, I say Maury, that gal’s got more loose screws then a hardware store in an earthquake! She’s a heartless bird too! She’s colder, why I say she’s colder than a nudist on an iceberg!

The audience is going nuts at the insulting rooster. The poor female chicken is crying up on the stage. Darth Circus is sitting there looking bored, he appears to be playing an online game on his fancy Fitbit suit. Smokes is still sitting there with his mouth open. Maury continues the show, there is a wookie, an Ewok, and some sort of wacky looking alien he interviews next. They all have some sort of drama and insulting exchange with their partners. Finally, Maury gets to Darth Circus.

Maury: Now…Lord Circus. You say this young Smokes Nutwanker is your son?
Darth Circus: That’s right Maury. We were tragically separated shortly after his birth, him and his sister. I finally found him after all this time but…sniff…he won’t accept me as his father!

The audience boos and people begin to shout at Smokes . The slightly handsome young Jedi sits numb. He can’t believe what is going on. Is it possible Darth Circus is telling the truth? Can this evil person really be his father?

Darth Circus: I even recently started a relationship with a wonderful lady. She can’t wait to be a mother to my boy!
Cheryl: That’s right! Smokes, it’s so good to meet you! I can’t wait to spend time with you! What a slightly handsome young man you are! Oh, my two little nuts! I’m so proud! We’re going to be a family!
Smokes: Who…who the heck is this…
Darth Circus: Show respect to your new mother boy!

An audience member stands up angrily. He/she/it is waving his/her/it’s tentacles at him furiously.

Audience member: That’s your moms man! You gotta respect your moms! What’s your problem man! Some of us don’t got no mamma!

The audience shouts and screams at the slightly handsome young Jedi. It’s total chaos.

Smokes: Well it’s just…I don’t believe…I mean…
Maury: Smokes, why won’t you open your heart to your father?
Smokes: Well Maury, it’s just that…I don’t believe…I mean…he can’t be…
Maury: Ah so you need proof? Well that’s why you are here! When you sat in the chair a small probe took a DNA sample. We’ve run the tests and we are about to reveal them! Are you ready audience?!

The audience goes absolutely nuts and everyone starts jumping around. Foghorn Leghorn looks very nervous. His tail feathers start shaking, ever so slightly.

Maury: Ok for our first guest, the wookie. You are…NOT the father!

The wookie gets up with a scream and begins dancing. The female who had brought him there runs off the stage crying. The wookie continues to dance and runs into the audience giving high fives to all the men. Smokes sits there, still numb. He feels like his mind his leaving his body. He wishes he could be anywhere but here.

Maury: We kind of expected that, didn’t we folks? Ok now for the Ewok…you ARE the father!

The Ewok puts his head in his hands and begins to cry. From backstage, they bring out a baby Ewok and bring him to his mother. She carries him over to the male Ewok and she begins hitting him. The audience goes nuts!

Maury: Ok…now for the rooster…Mr. Leghorn…when it comes to the paternity of this fine young chick that was just hatched….you….ARE THE FATHER!

Foghorn Leghorn: Son of a I say son of a…I demand a retest!

From backstage they bring out the young chick and bring him to his mother. She carries him over to Foghorn and takes out a rolling pin. She begins beating him over the head with it, quite hard! The audience is totally out of control now, people are screaming and jumping up and down. The wookie is still running around getting high fives from all the men. Smokes continues to sit there not knowing how to feel.

Maury: And now…when it comes down to the paternity of the rebel hero Smokes Nutwanker…recently trained in the ways of the Jedi…the results are in…

The audience gets very quiet. Darth Circus and Cheryl lean forward in their seats. Smokes stares blankly ahead.

Maury: Darth Circus…you ARE THE FATHER!

Smokes turns white and looks over at Darth Circus who is smiling broadly. Cheryl and him hold hands. The audience goes absolutely bananas and screams even louder than before.

Smokes: What…you…you are my…Dad? Darth Circus? I can’t believe it!
Darth Circus: Believe it, my child. Join me, and we can rule the Empire as father and son.
Cheryl: And Mom!
Darth Circus: Oh, we’re gonna have some much fun! I can’t wait to train you in the Dark Side!
Smokes: But…my friends…the rebels…
Cheryl: Oh, you’ll get new friends dearie! Better ones! Ones that will be too terrified to make fun of you or be mean to you!
Darth Circus: Yes, it’s really amazing how effective a good force choke can be to get people to treat you with respect!
Maury: Now let’s bring out the best relationship therapist in the galaxy over to help our new families! Dr. Esther Rothstein!

Dr. Rothstein comes out and sits on the stage next to the guests that are left. She looks very wise and calm.

Dr. Rothstein: Hello all, thank you for having me Maury. You know, it can be very upsetting to have your world turned upside down like this but remember, the past doesn’t matter. Let’s start fresh today and choose to make decisions that will benefit all of us. We all just want to be happy, don’t we?

Darth Circus and Cheryl nod their heads eagerly.

Dr. Rothstein: We all have a choice in our lives, WE decide what we want to do with it! All of us make decisions in life. In the end, our decisions make US!

Darth Circus and Cheryl nod at the therapist’s wise words. Smokes is still sitting there dumbfounded. He has no clue how to feel, his mind is still reeling from finding out about his father. Everything he knew about his father was a lie! Why didn’t JP Wan or his Jedi teachers tell him the truth?!

Maury: Well, we’ve learned a lot here today. In the end, it doesn’t matter where you came from, or from who, but the decisions you make today that…
Darth Circus: Thank you Maury, that will be all. I think I’ve had enough. We’ve spent enough time on all of this and I need to eat soon.

Darth Circus presses yet another one of the many buttons on his suit and the entire studio starts to move. Using the force, he floats Cheryl, Dr. Rothstein and Smokes away to a corridor to the side of the whole production. The entire stage and audience, Maury Povich included, start to fold back into the wall. The audience begins to scream as they are crushed by the moving metal and gears while the entire show folds back away. A final few metal clanks along with some muffled screams are heard before silence descends. Darth Circus turns around to face them.

Darth Circus: Thank you Dr. Rothstein, I really do appreciate you making the time for us, but I simply must eat. I will be contacting you later for family therapy.
Dr. Rothstein: No problem, my Lord. Always happy to help the Empire. I needed some time away from my regular clients. I’ve been getting nonstop texts from a very needy wookie who is having some real problems with his partner.
Darth Circus: Sound like a real…hairy problem! Ha! Well anyway thank you again and we’ll be in touch!

Dr. Rothstein walks away, leaving Darth Circus, Cheryl and Smokes alone in the large chamber at the bottom of Cloud City. Smokes is finally snapping out of his stupor.

Smokes: You’re…my father. All this time…
Darth Circus: Ok enough son, get with it! Life can be hard, you have to learn to accept reality. Now, why don’t we all head down to the Cloud City food court and pick us up some treats? I’m buying!
Smokes: Treats…you’re…evil! You’ve killed so many people...the Empire is going to take over the galaxy! So much suffering! Such lust for power!
Darth Circus: Yes, isn’t it great! We get to do whatever we want!
Cheryl: What color do you want for your room Smokes? I was thinking of a nice black, you know, to match the rest of the Empire’s décor. Maybe some “Ebony Dreams” or “Midnight Sun.”
Darth Circus: Excellent taste as always, my cutie pie!
Smokes: No…No….NO! I will NOT join you! During our battle, I could sense your power…but…I sensed something else as well?
Darth Circus: Oh…and what was that, my son?
Smokes: Deep inside you…there is a small bit of light left…you still have a part that remembers who you used to be…I am going to save you father…from yourself!
Darth Circus: Oh, my young foolish son…it’s much too late for that. I will never leave the Empire. Join me now…my patience won’t last forever.

Smokes gets a very determined look upon his slightly handsome young face. He takes out his lightsaber, and activates it!

Smokes: I would rather die than join the Empire!
Cheryl: Oh my men! So emotional! I’m gonna let you two work this out! I’ll be in the food court when you’re done!

Cheryl hurries away to avoid the coming battle. She is thinking of how to decorate Smokes’ room. Darth Circus takes out his lightsaber and its red plasma blade blazes to life!

Darth Circus: Sigh. This is going to take longer than I thought. So be it. I guess it’s time for another lesson…in pain!

Darth Circus begins to battle with Smokes. The two lightsabers crash into each other with a fury. Smokes is fighting will all his might, but something is holding him back. He doesn’t want to hurt his father, he desperately wants to save him! Is this just the foolish dream of a child? His mind is unfocused, distracted. The Sith Lord quickly gains the upper hand and pushes Smokes back to the edge of a railing, above a exhaust port that leads to the open sky. With a quick move, he attacks…and slices Smokes’ hand clean off! Smokes screams and falls down into the exhaust port. With his good hand, he hangs onto the railing, but just barely.

Smokes: Ahhhh! My hand! You cut off my hand! Who does that?!
Darth Circus: My son…I will ask you once more…you cannot hope to win against me. Join me, and we will rule this galaxy together…please…

Smokes looks up at his father in his fancy black suit, his red lightsaber glowing. Above him is one possible future for him. He closes his eyes and focuses, reaching out with his mind, searching. His eyes open again and Smokes looks up at his father…

Smokes: I will NEVER join you. I’m going to save you father…I swear it!

The young Jedi lets go of the railing, and falls down the exhaust port! He grabs onto a sensor array near the end. Smokes is now hanging on the bottom of Cloud City, hundreds of miles above the ground! Could this be the end of our hero?! Darth Circus looks down and sighs.

Darth Circus: This is gonna take longer than I thought. I guess I’ll head to the food court. I did want to try one of those almond butter smoothies.


Meanwhile, not too far away Princess Pau and the crew are flying in the Centennial Kiwi getting ready to escape the planet when Pau suddenly gets a feeling. She looks towards Cloud City…

Princess Pau: Smokes...Smokes is here!
Treybacca: What? But he left to go do his Jedi training? Why do you think he’s here?
Princess Pau: I don’t know how but…I know he’s here! I’m positive! LokePO, scan the lower levels of Cloud City!
LokePO: This is odd…sensors are detecting a strange energy…seems almost musical in nature. Someone is busting beats with a 98% success rate. And the rhythm is off the charts!
Princess Pau: Take us in! Smokes is there!
Treybacca: But, we are trying to escape!
Princess Pau: Take us in, that’s an order!

The Centennial Kiwi flies back towards Cloud City, and under the direction of the Princess, begins to scan around. LokePO finds a single life sign on the bottom of the structure…it’s Smokes! Treybacca carefully pilots the Kiwi underneath the almost comatose and slightly handsome young man. They open the top hatch of the ship and take him in!

Princess Pau: Smokes! We got you! Treybacca! Punch it!
Treybacca: Roaaaaar! Yes ma’am!

The Centennial Kiwi gets the heck out of there with an impressive burst of speed, pursued by Venan Starfighters. Smokes recovers in the medical bay, drifting in and out of consciousness. He feels a presence in his mind…it’s his Father!

Darth Circus: My son…join me…there is still time. Oh man, this almond smoothie is delicious! Oh Cheryl says hi and to not feel bad. It will all work out. She’s already planning your room!
Smokes: Father….father why…JP Wan….why didn’t you tell me…

After several exciting minutes of avoiding Venan ships, and yet another dramatic incidence of a failed hyper drive that Grem2D2 fixes, the rebels finally escape! They meet up with the rest of the rebel fleet out in deep space. Aboard a rebel medical ship, the young Jedi is being attended to…

Smokes: Wow…it looks so real…just like my old hand…
Medical Droid: Yeah, it’s not the latest iHand model but it’s pretty good. The rebel health plan can only do so much.
Smokes: So uh…how soon until I can…try it out? I’m really kind of stressed out and all…
Medical Droid: Sigh…you young men!

Princess Pau comes into the room to check on the young Nutwanker. She looks concerned, and a little sad.

Princess Pau: Smokes…how are you doing?
Smokes: Oh…hello Princess. I’m ok. My big fight didn’t go so well…but I survived.
Princess Pau: Yes…we survived. The rebellion lives on. It’s not over yet!
Smoke: No…it’s not...not at all.

Princess Pau and Smokes look sadly out the window of the giant rebel medical ship. The rebel fleet has regrouped and prepares to make the jump to light speed to find a new secret base. Treybacca and Lando Caierissen have left in the Centennial Kiwi to try to get a lead on where Hans Dingo is. Although the rebels have suffered a defeat, as the Princess said, it’s not over yet! The rebels ships power up, and make the jump to light speed! The fight continues! Well, if this movie makes enough money it will!



End of Venan Strikes Back.

[Famous_Fella_O_Nutella]

I am smokes!